One Week Ago

One week ago, I received a phone call that altered my life. I was shaken out of my Monday morning ritual into raw shock and disbelief.

“Mom, what are you saying? Are you telling me…?”

“Your grandma’s with Jesus.”

How I got from the sidewalk by Gould dorm to down in front of Day dorm I don’t know. But that’s where I stopped, gasping, crying. A dear friend who was also on her way to breakfast stopped and enveloped me in her arms as I finished the phone call.

For a moment I couldn’t speak. The tears subsided as immediate grief turned to raw shock and I told my friends what happened.

At breakfast, I ate very little if anything. I honestly cannot remember if I ate at all. My face red from crying, tears still coming easily, I had several girls come up and tell me they would be praying for me throughout the day even though they had no idea what was going on.

I went to do homework, but I couldn’t focus so I decided to cut my classes.

I walked around in a state of hazy shock, still trying to process and grasp what had happened. I texted two very good friends and asked if they would sit with me in chapel.

I went to chapel and was surrounded by the people that care about me. I held it together fairly well overall until Dr. Marriott got up and made the formal announcement to the school about the passing of my grandmother.

Later that day, I looked at one of my close friends saying,

“Tell me it’s all a bad dream. Tell me I can call her and hear her voice. Tell me it’s a bad dream.” My voice dropped to a whisper as he shook his head and felt my pain.

“It’s a bad dream from which we will never wake up,” I whispered.

One week ago, there were many tears, many hugs.

One week ago, I experienced a love from my friends that I didn’t realize was possible. My friendship deepened on different levels with different friends. Through various ways, my friends showed that they cared and were there for me. I was overwhelmed by the love and kindness shown to me by the students on campus.

One week ago, we buried my grandmother in Hartford.

God is good and gracious. His way is perfect and His way is best. This I firmly believe. I know God to be sovereign and I know something good will come out of this.

Maybe it already has.

This week, three of my girlfriends lost their grandmothers. These are some of the very people that showed me the most support one week ago. And now it’s my turn to be there for them, to check-in with them.

I don’t know the mind of God, but I can rest in His promises. God is faithful and He is good. All the time.

Being where I am now, going through what I have the past week, I can say that I truly believe God is always good (always!), that His plan is always perfect (always!), and that His way is always best (always!).

“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names. Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.” Psalm 147:3-5

"Go For the Money"

I will most likely be receiving "life advice" my entire life. But the fact that I'm young and in college seems to be enough to merit enormous amounts of it. (i.e. - the title)

I worked at a small town eatery for three years in high school. As I got to know the customers on a personal level, some would ask what my plans were after high school. During my senior year, one older man in particular would ask about my career choice(s) every time he came in. After listening to me explain my plans, he would reply with the same advice every time: "Go where the money is. Don't go to Hollywood. All these young kids dreamin' about becoming actors and actresses... that's not where the money is. Go to college. Get a good job. Make the money." I didn't have anything to say in response, so I would just smile and nod.


After completing my freshman year at MBU, I came home and worked in the same eatery this past summer. Today, that same man came in.

After asking about college, the first question out of his mouth was, "Do you have a boyfriend?" (Now, before I continue, we must have the understanding that, to some people, being in college is equivalent to finding/having that significant other. Let me straighten that out right now: It's Not.)

"No."

"Are you going with a guy?"

"No." (Isn't that the same question, just rephrased?!)

*nods head* "Good. Keep away from the boys and go for the money. And stay away from marriage." (This coming from the man who was convinced I needed to meet his grandson!)

I laughed off his "advice," silently wondering why everyone (and I use "everyone" loosely) thinks that college equals relationship status.

Later this afternoon, another older man came in for a cup of coffee. I had never seen this man before today. As the coffee brewed, he made small talk. Although I had a list of stuff to do, I stopped and talked with him. He asked what year I was in school and I told him that I'm a sophomore in college. As we talked, we made the connection that we're both believers in Christ. As he was leaving, he said, "I'll be praying blessings on you and for your continued success. But at college, be guarded. Keep eyes in the back of your head." He glanced around before saying, "There are a lot of  weird people in this world, but [we must reach out to them.]"

Two pieces of advice coming from two different world views. As I finished cleaning up, I thought about how Man #1 shared the world's wisdom, whereas Man #2 brought real wisdom to the table.

The truth is, we are all fed advice every day. Some of it is the world's wisdom, and some of it is actual wisdom. Whom will we listen to? Will we accept the world's road or God's?

Whom will you listen to?

Whom will I listen to?

Proverbs 8:11
"For wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it."

Oh for Grace to Trust Him More

Imagine if you had a plan for... something. You fill in the blank. You think your plan is the best course of action for whatever the situation is. But then someone comes along and says, "Hey, I know this looks like a great plan (and it is!) but it's not the best plan. I have a plan that is better, but I can't show it to you yet. You just have to wait and trust me and in time I can show you my plan. It may not be all at once, but eventually, you will know the whole plan." Would you be willing to trust this person? Could you trust them? Give up what you can see, what you have control over, to wait an indefinite amount of time but with a surety that you will eventually know the entirety of this better plan?

There have been times over the past several months that I have felt parts of my life slipping out of my control. Not because I hadn't tried to control them, goodness no! Anyone who knows me knows I like to be in charge of what's going on in my life and in control of things that I feel I should be in control of. (I'm a WWWW&Y girl.) But all that to say, there were times that I was not in control.

And I fought. I struggled. To be perfectly honest, I'm still struggling. But I'm getting better at not fighting.  I realized at the beginning of the summer that I was afraid. I was afraid to let go of what I could (and could not) control and let God be God. I was afraid to let God be in control of those parts of my life that I was fighting so hard to keep in my control.


When I realized that I was afraid, I began to analyze the root of my fear. The more I thought about it, the more I realized with shame that I didn't trust God to take care of me in certain areas of my life.

I know that God's plan is the best. But I didn't fully believe it.

I know that God only allows things in my life to mold me for His honor and glory. But I didn't fully believe it.

I know what God has promised. And by His grace, I'm learning to trust Him more.

Knowing what we do, that God has a plan better than anything we can think, how can we not trust Him with the details of our lives? That is the question I asked myself. Seeing how God has worked in my life, how He has brought me through things in the past, how can I not trust Him?

I think sometimes we miss out on God's best because we hold on to our finite-minded plans/dreams. Who knows what He has in store for us if we will only trust Him.

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, 'Thus saith the Lord.'

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

 I'm so glad I learned to trust Him,
Precious Jesus, Savior, friend;
And I know that He is with me,
Will be with me to the end."

Do Your Trials Define You?

I got to know Kurt through Maranatha’s production of Pirates of Penzance. It was testimony night at the last SPARQ meeting, and as Kurt shared with us what God had taught him that semester, something he said caught my attention. He said, “Our trials do not define us, but they define who God is.” I’ve asked him to expound on that statement and share his heart on the matter. 

 __________________________________________________

Life is hard. I have yet to find someone who has said it’s not.

Everyone has felt the pain of betrayal, the fear of loneliness, the guilt of failure, and sometimes the grief of loss. Not all people have felt these hurts to the same degree, but all have a different story to tell. Some have been put through harder times, and some through less, yet everyone has been through a “hardest trial.” But the question remains: does that trial define who you are?

The simple answer? It will if you let it.

The Bible contains a plethora of examples of men and women who were put through trials that we desperately hope to never go through. Adam, Joseph, David, Saul, Hezekiah, Judas, Jesus, John, Paul… the list goes on and on. Some responded biblically and some shamed our God.

But the first man that came to my mind was Job.

Job was one of the wealthiest, independent men in the whole world. He had been graciously blessed by God. He was livin’ the life. Then, on a whim, Satan sought to destroy righteous Job and eventually left him sitting in the ashes of his home, his children killed in gruesome ways, and his wife and friends yelling at him to give up and curse God.

Want Job’s life now? Didn’t think so.

But Job now had to make a choice, as all humans must make a choice when facing trials. He could submit to Satan’s attacks and curse God- that’s worse case scenario. He could turn to the world for 

pity and comfort- more of a common response. Or Job could turn to God for strength to endure- a less common and harder response.

Job chose to defend himself to God and prove that this trial was unfair:

Job: “Oh that my vexation were weighed,

and all my calamity laid in the balances.” (6:2)

God: “Will you even put me in the wrong?

Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?

Have you an arm like God,

and can you thunder with a voice like his?

Adorn yourself with majesty and dignity;

clothe yourself with glory and splendor?” (40:8-10)

God wasn’t messing around. He wasn’t gonna let Job wallow in self pity for one more moment. God quickly showed Job how insignificant his trial was compared to God’s awesome majesty.

Have you ever argued with God?

How about a mega tornado? Probs not. And Job understandably wasn’t about to start either.

He was given another chance to respond appropriately to this trial. This time he did:

Job: “I know that you can do all things,

and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted…

therefore I despise myself,

and repent in dust and ashes.” (42:2)

In response to Job’s humble confession and plea for help, God rewarded him with a better house, more cattle than he had before, and ten children even more beautiful than before.

Everything’s hunky dory now right? Job responded biblically to his trial and God gave him a Joel Osteen kind-of ending... Hmm, reconsider, friend.

Do you think Job had scars from that trial? Body scars from his wounds? Yes. But might he not also probably have had long nights of grief over his ten dead children? His marriage sounded like it was on the rocks during his suffering as well. They probably had to work through a lot of hurt and distrust. Nightmares. He probably had quite a few of them after that traumatic experience.

So trails leave scars. Yet did Job allow the trial or even the scars hold him back and limit his relationship with God? Not in the end.

My friend, the point I’m seeking to make is that your trials don’t have to define you. Don’t let them hold you back from living a life free of bitterness, guilt or grief. Doing so is telling God that He’s not capable of fixing what He allowed. That He’s not big enough. That He’s not God. 

Doesn’t that sound foolish? Yet we do it everyday when we don’t “take it to the Lord in prayer.”

Your hardest struggle ought not to define you, but rather God. Consider the Psalmist David, when he cried:

 “Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.”

Psalm 42:11

Who is your rescuer in your darkest time? God. Who has shoulders build for burdens not meant for us? God. Who understands, even more than you do, what it’s like to lose a loved one? God...

So you see, you can try and gut it through your trials on your own. It may last longer, your scars may end up deeper, and I promise you it will cost much.

But would you not rather submit to God and let him bear the struggle for you? That’s usually the purpose of most trials anyways. Learning to rely on God…

Friend, don’t let Satan have his way and govern your Christian life with guilt, fear, grief, or any other controlling feeling caused by a hardship. Rebut, and live a fearless life in total abandonment to trust the God you are discovering Him to be.

Your trial should not define you, but rather, God.

 - Kurt Wagner